Everybody dies, but not everybody lives.

Too bad?

meggiesaurs — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 10:08:06 +0000

My mother just told me that she thinks that I show too much PDA. And quite honestly I’m so sick of her telling me how to live my life. Lately that’s been my big topic: people trying to tell me how to live my life. But it’s just not fair because I’ve spent so fucking long living my life the way people expect me to. I’ve tried so hard to please everyone and do what I believe is rightly expected of me. And for once I want to do what I WANT TO DO. I want to be happy. I want to please myself. And, as of late, it’s been working. Sure I’ve angered some people and saddened others, but I believe it’s been worth it because I’ve been happy. And yeah I know that’s probably the most selfish thing I’ve said in a good long time but, it’s really what I need. It’s what I need to make others happy, I just have to please myself first. And for the first time in a long time I’ve been doing what I’ve honestly wanted, I’ve really been being myself. I act the way I want to, I am who I’ve wanted the world to see me as. And I don’t think that could make me any happier. But then I hit this kind of crossroads again. Here is my mother trying to tell me the way that I should be acting. Am I to follow her? To listen to her and act in a certain way that is viewed as correct by society? Or do as I please and do what truly makes me happy? This is quite a place for me to be stuck in, but I’ve found myself here before. And I feel like, even though I know it’s going to bite me in the ass because when it comes to my mother it usually does (she’s ALWAYS right), I’m going to go with my instincts. And in a way I will still please her because I’m only so clingy to Allan because he’s only here for a weekend. And I suppose next time I just won’t go to Sarge’s house with them if this happens to be the situation I am stuck in again. Guess I’ll just have to go to secluded places with my boyfriend. It’s just so hard when she keeps telling me all of the things that I’m doing wrong because I always want to make my parents happy but how do I do that when everything I do is never good enough?

melancholy.

meggiesaurs — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 05:51:38 +0000

Dude, I could never imagine what it’s like to be in a long distance relationship and have your significant other cheat on you until today. I can only imagine the complete and total devastation one would feel. Knowing that you could probably never trust another human being ever again. Just this thought that you put sooo much faith and love into them, expecting them to be faithful and actually sincere. But no. That shattering of your heart in the moment, the very minute you find out. That pain. That pain is more real than anything. Can you imagine it? Maybe I’m just over-dramatic but I feel like I could be there. Right there with the person as their mind drifts away into a place it probably won’t soon come out of. That stare, that mindless, confused, not sure what to do stare as you try to put the pieces together. As you try to understand the madness and confusion that is unfurling before your eyes. It’s just a moment of total shock and panic, you’d definitely need a few minutes to just figure out what is going on.

So is that it? Do you think of this situation and say hey, fuck this I’m just never gonna trust anyone ever again!? No, of course you don’t because that’s kinda crazy and ridiculous but… that pain. Could it be worth it? Could it really be worth it? One can only imagine. So I sit here now, pondering why my boyfriend doesn’t pick up the phone until 3 calls later when he tells me he was just lying in bed and needs 5 minutes to call me back. It’s been 10 and sometimes you can’t help but wonder…

A few words I’ve wanted to say for a long, long time.

meggiesaurs — Fri, 27 May 2011 23:42:46 +0000

Dear ______,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the friend that you wanted me to be. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be perfect for you. I’m sorry that I tried so damn hard to make you happy; I always, always put your happiness before Allan’s no matter how much it hurt him. I’m sorry that I’ll never be good enough to be your friend, that I’ll never live up to your standards.

Honestly, my love for you died the day you told me that you wanted to meet new people. Was Lisa and I not good enough for you? And I know that it didn’t hurt Lisa at all, but it hurt me, more than you know. More than the first time we went to Target together and you told me you wanted to transfer to a different school. I understand that, I would never want to hold anyone back from their dream, but the way you said it… so… easily. Like there was no thought about it. I know we weren’t even that close then, but it meant so much to me.

I sorry that I’ve never done anything wrong to you. I know I’m not around as much as I used to be, but that doesn’t mean that I was ever mean to you. I never, ever mistreated you. I don’t even talk shit about you, I only ever talk about you because I am hoping people can help me solve my problems with you. But then I realize that nothing can solve the way I am feeling because I guess I did this to myself. I still try to this day to please you, to make you happy when we are actually together. And I know that you are just talking shit behind my back. But it’s okay.

Which brings me to my next point, people have been telling me all along that if you were my real, true friend then you wouldn’t judge me by my boyfriend or how I spend my time. And it’s funny because you told me yourself that you would spend all of your time with your boyfriend too if he were here in Riverside. And I’m sorry that he’s not, but I really don’t believe that’s any reason for you to take that out on me or on Lisa and Chris’ relationship. They are cute, and the only reason you don’t think so is because you’re jealous and I know it. But if you were my real friend you would still love me and care about me and respect my decisions, not talk about me behind my back. If you were the real friend that you want me to be, then maybe, just maybe things would be a lot different.

And I know that next year will either be hell or heaven, but I plan on being straight up with you from the very beginning. I’m going to confront you on the first day like you never did to me and tell you exactly how I felt about this year. You can deny it or take it, I don’t really give a fuck, but I want you to know how I’ve been feeling all along.

And I truly am sorry because I feel like I really, actually haven’t been a good friend because I haven’t been around the way you wanted me to be. But I’m tired of trying to make you and everyone else happy. For once in my life I am happy, and I’m sorry if that doesn’t fit into your perfect little scheme of what your life should be. But maybe if you were my real friend you could be happy that I’m happy. I have to stop trying to please everyone, and I’m sorry that it had to begin with you, but honestly I’ve never ever been myself in front of you so I guess it doesn’t really make a difference.

I just hope that you can be happy too and that maybe one day you’ll understand where I’ve been coming from. I’ll apologize one more time, but after this I’m done being sorry. I’m done feeling like I owe you things I definitely don’t. I’m done with all of this emotional baggage I’ve been carrying just for you. I’ve spent so many days sad about our relationship that honestly I think I’m more sad about you then I’ve ever been happy. I know that you aren’t my real friend and that my friends here are only here for the same reason I am, because of school, but just know that I’m always going to be the same. I’m still going to help you if you ask for my help, I’m still always going to have your back, I’m still always going to try to be the best friend that I can, but if you don’t want any of this then that’s fine.

But I want you to know that I’m sorry and I hope that one day you’ll be happy like I am.

Intimacy

meggiesaurs — Wed, 18 May 2011 05:52:16 +0000

(Sorry about the title, this post has absolutely nothing to do with intimacy I just didn’t have a title and I was listening to an album called intimacy so yeah )

Wow it’s been an absurdly long time since I’ve posted on my blog last. 2 months or so to be slightly exact. I know I’ve said it before, but I guess it’s because when I’m happy I have no time to report all of the good things in my life, yet when I’m sad it’s like time stands still. And obviously when time is standing still I can write in my bloggy for hours.

Anyhoo, life is… well… life. Haha, I definitely can’t explain it but life is ups and downs. Life is perfection one day and complete disaster the next. That pretty much sums up my entire college life. It’s pretty intense, but every time I go home I feel like I’m running out of time. Like my whole life is flashing before my eyes… but maybe that’s a good thing. I feel like college is completely different from high school even though, in many respects, it’s exactly the same. I just feel so… free here. Like I’m actually myself now. But honestly that thought changes everyday haha.

I think the one thing that’s been dragging me down a lot lately has been friends. Friends are… well… friends. Sorry, I’m actually not one for words today which is strange because why would I write in my blog for the first time in weeks when I don’t even feel wordy. Anyway before I ramble on too much, I just want to say that I’ve been feeling friendless lately. But I always tend to compare my amount of friends to the people around me, which is odd I think. I really can’t honestly understand why I care so much about what everyone around me has. I spend so much time thinking about it and being sad about it that I don’t even save enough time for me to be happy. I know it’s something I have to deal with myself but it’s been years now and it never seems to get any better.
Maybe it’s because I’ve been neglecting my friends so I feel like I have none. That’s actually probably the problem haha but I just have no desire to hang out with people who give me vibes like they don’t even want me. What I don’t get is why Michelle would tell Natalie to spend her birthday with her when I’ve been with Michelle through everything. She always wants to sit next to me at meetings and at socials, so I just don’t get it. I thought we were pretty close but I guess it’s whatever.

On a happier note, my 4 month anniversary is in 4 days! I can’t believe it’s been 4 months already… time has been going so crazy fast. I haven’t really been documenting this but I feel like I really know what love. Maybe I really am in love or whatever my mom likes to make fun of me for but it’s ridiculous how much I could miss someone that I see almost everyday. It’s like when I’m not with him that’s all I want to do is be with him. I have no idea how I am going to get through this summer without him.

Anyway, I’ve come to the conclusion that I always get sad when I can’t hang out with Natalie and Lisa because I feel like I’ve been neglecting them, but then when I actually do then it makes me so sad. And I think I understand now that that is because I only stopped hanging out with them so much in the first place is because they made me so unhappy. And when I go back to the dorm I do enjoy Lisa’s company but it still makes me miss Allan’s house so much. I just feel like he is the only person that actually truly makes me happy here. Well, other than Kimberly that is haha. So maybe I don’t have an assload of people that I truly care about here in Riverside, but I feel like that’s not what I came here for especially when I have so many wonderful people at home who do really care about me. Guess I do have to wait for better things to come?

Promise

meggiesaurs — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 09:17:12 +0000

Is it so wrong to ask your boyfriend to drive you to an appointment? Is that so wrong? I don’t understand why that would seem like such a huge burden to you. Is it just because it doesn’t benefit you in any way? Is it just because we can’t hang out afterwards? Well I’m sorry, but I thought that sometimes that was part of being a boyfriend, helping out your girlfriend when she actually needs it.

I know I sound crazy selfish, maybe because I really have been. I feel like having a boyfriend has actually made me a worse person. Yeah sure I’m more confident or whatever but I care way too much about myself these days. Isn’t love suppose to make you better? I feel like I’ve been paying way too much attention to my happiness and I’ve totally forgotten about everyone else’s. It’s pretty ridiculous.

I’m glad you told me no because in a weird way it’s brought me back to Earth. My head has been floating around in perfection, I didn’t know exactly how crazy and naive I’ve been. So even though I’m going to have to take the bus for 2 hours tomorrow, thanks. <3

February 14th

meggiesaurs — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 11:25:27 +0000

Monday was my first real Valentine’s Day ever and it was beyond perfection. He got me roses and just to be unique they weren’t red. Then he took me to the Cheesecake Factory because he said that was the first place we went on a sorta-real date together. And he ordered the cheesecake that I said I would get a long time ago. Then we went to build-a-bear and we made the most adorable, cuddly little thing. We dressed him up in a tuxedo so it would always remind me of him. Then he took me to our favorite amusement center and won too many stuffed animals. He also gave me a necklace with a M on it. So sweet. We finished off the romantic night by exchanging presents while his obviously overpowered mine. He made me the sweetest card with 10 reasons why he loves me.
I used to want a boyfriend just to say that I have one; it was all a status thing. But now, now I understand what real love is. I don’t feel the need to proclaim our love at all, I’m happy just to have it. That’s what makes this so different from all the rest, I feel no need to post it on facebook but it does make me want to shout from the rooftops how happy I am.
I know Valentine’s day isn’t a big deal but it was definitely something special to me. Thanks again sweetie <3

Protected: Theres a whole lot of things that i will forgive but i just cant take a liar

meggiesaurs — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 19:44:08 +0000

This post is password protected. You must visit the website and enter the password to continue reading.

4:59

meggiesaurs — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 13:00:04 +0000

I’m crazy sick of telling people I’ll always be there for them and never leave them and all they do is say “okay thanks”. I mean I know I shouldn’t expect some great kind of response or anything but a simple “I care about you too” would suffice. It’s my fault for caring and trusting so easily but I guess I keep finding myself giving more than I get. If I get shot down one more time though I swear I give up on friendships in socal lol.

In completely unrelated news I’ve find this crazy new love for shredded carrots. Sliced and whole carrots can suck my non-existent balls but omg shredded carrots are the fucking bomb. I’ve been putting them on all of my salads and now I don’t know what a real salad is without my beautiful carrots. Maybe it’s just a psychological thing haha.

It’s like 5am and I can’t sleep. As usual I’m up thinking about completely ridiculous things. I hate how hypocritical I am. That’s definitely one thing I want to work on this year but I know it’ll be hard. Speaking of this year I’m going to need to change the drinking resolution to more along the lines of drinking less cause I sorta broke it this weekend… But I really am going to try harder to drink less! I just had a moment of weakness… But let it be known that my superior beer pong skills do not fade with time

So baby keep my heart b-b-b-beating~

meggiesaurs — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 08:01:10 +0000

Woah it’s sorta crazy to realize that I made this blog a year ago to start fresh and such and now it’s already a year past. That’s intense! I can’t believe how quickly 2010 flew by with all of the college and such. But it definitely was a damn good year. No matter how much I bitched and complained I really had an amazing year. It was full of fresh starts and hopeful beginnings.

I definitely think that 2011 has a lot of potential. I plan for this year to be much more optimistic and I plan to make many changes. Given that a lot of this probably won’t happen I can’t help but look at the glass half full!

I think a lot of this optimism is because of how sweet my friends were. I told one of them that I was sick and I hellza needed some kleenex and they were like “okay I’ll get it for you.” and I’m like “yeah right you totally wouldn’t.” and then they totally showed up at my dormstep (hehe you like that? Dorm-step hehehe) with warm food, drinks, and plenty of Kleenex. So sweet! <3 I can't get over how sweet it is. Even if they talk shit about how awful I looked when I stepped out of the shower and to my surprise I see them standing there it's all good. Even if their intentions were totally disgusting I don't care for today because in my book that was totally took sweet to be evil. Thanks again!

January 8th, 2011

meggiesaurs — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 07:58:52 +0000

(This was the post I was talking about before, I meant to post it a while ago but it was saved on my ipod so here ya go. Just ignore this header)
Hey all! So sorry I haven’t posted in like a bajillion years even though so much shit goes down! I will definitely get on it this weekend after I finish all my homework and such. I’m such a good student now. (:

Seeing as it is now this weekend I shall say it all! First off I went to my first party of winter quarter and it was pretty damn good. But it was funny because I had this revelation during the party that I really actually am not the partying type. I know if you’ve heard my past exploitations you’d think “haha yeah right you’re probably just drunk” but I’m quite serious. I didn’t drink at all yesterday and I realized I didn’t need it to have fun or be myself. Alcohol might seem like it can solve your problems but I had to learn the hard way that it really doesn’t. I was feeling awful at the party but surprisingly not drinking made my problems better.

Which brings me to my new years resolutions! (insert drumroll here)

1. Lose weight
Alright so that one isn’t exactly new but I’ve gotten off to a great start and I will lose my 10 pounds even if it’s by the end of the year lol.
2. Don’t drink for a whole year
I feel like it’s quite an undertaking but if I find new friends I don’t think it should be that hard because honestly I don’t like my friends who do drink. They don’t really care about me or anyone else for that matter.
3. Work extra hard in school
I’m in college for my education and even though sometimes drama and such can get to me, I won’t let it get to me this year.
4. Make new friends
I’ve come to learn that I really don’t like my riverside friends and for that reason I want to make new ones!
5. Care less about stupid little things / Worry less
This is pretty self explanatory, basically I found myself worrying about a lot of useless shit that worked out quite well in the end last year, so I want to make this year much different.
5. Really try to be myself and make the best of the year
Wish me luck in all of my endeavors!

This also reminded me that yesterday at the party I realized that some college guys really are jerks and just want to get into any girl’s pants. This one guy I thought liked me totally was all up on this prettier girl at the party even tho she totally has a boyfriend. Made me quite sad at the time, but I guess it’s just good for me to learn that not all nice guys are actually nice. They are sometimes really full of shit.

Cheers to 2011! <3